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Forum -> Off-Topic -> Donald Trump's Greatest Speech

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Karisade
[TSoH]
14-04-2019 03:11



My fellow Americans, tonight I'm speaking to you because I love the sound of my voice, and a record number of people who voted for me like it too.

I have this great relationship with women, as you may possibly have heard. I think women are some of the best people in the United States and, according to statistics, in some other countries too. I've always been phenomenal to women. You can check my track record on women and it's up there with the best. I love them all, as my wife and both my ex-wives will confirm. All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously, and that's to be expected. Even Stormy Daniels would have to admit, I have this unbelievable thing going on with women. I once told this reporter, I would even date my daughter if she wasn't my daughter, because, like I say, I have this great, great respect for beautiful women.

In less than two short years, my administration has accomplished more than any administration on the planet, possibly other planets too. And I know a lot about other planets, more than most astrologers. I am like the Nicodemus of politics, because everything I say comes true. Some people would say that I'm more popular than Jesus, which of course I cannot possibly condone. But I do have more followers than Jesus, and I know how to get along with the Jews who count, the ones who have money. That's probably why no one's crucified me yet, except on Twitter.

People will tell you I hate Mexicans, which is a total lie. I'd like to say now, on record, that Mexicans are some of the finest, most hard-working immigrants I have ever met. They have this fine country, Mexico, where they should stay, with all their drugs and their tequila and their guns... and some, I assume, who are good people. Why do they keep forcing their way here? I mean, if the history of America has taught us one thing, it's that nothing good ever came from violent immigration. We're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a nice way, in these little camps like holiday camps. And they're going to be happy because they want to be sterilized... I mean legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice. Even Santa isn't nice all the time. When the going gets tough, he comes down those naughty kids' chimneys and kicks ass. I'm like Santa. I love Santa.

But I do love all people the same, especially my fellow Americans. That line of 'love your neighbour like yourself,' the phrase, that was mine. I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using it, and now everybody's using it, they are all loving it. I don't know, I guess I should copyright it. There's a lot of good money to be made out of real, genuine love. In many ways, this country is too nice. I mean, we have all these groups for women with PMT and men who want to be women and women who want maternity leave. I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it's literally going to cease to exist. And I know that sounds incredible but, there are these countries where, statistically speaking, the people were too nice, and eventually they vanished and were never seen again. Just ask East Germany or Atlantis.

What I won't do is take in two hundred thousand Syrians who could be ISIS. I have been watching this migration. I see the people coming over, and the ones that aren't women are all men. These are all physically young, strong men who look like prime-time soldiers, except for the ones to whom this clearly does not apply. So, you have to ask two things. Number one, why aren't these men dying for their country? And number two, I don't want these people coming over here!

I am a great defender of gay people. I know all these amazing people who just happen to be gay, and I want you people to know, I value your votes just as much as anyone else's. But I'm a traditionalist. It seems odd to me that people would want to live that way. It's like in golf. A lot of people - I don't want this to sound trivial - but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive... it's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And I hate it. I'm a traditionalist. Even Stormy Daniels will tell you, when it comes to using wood to sink a hole, I've never needed a long putter.

Before me, our country was in serious trouble. It's like we weren't having victories anymore. We used to have all these amazing victories, but then we just stopped having them, which I think was a mistake. Before my campaign, when was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China, in a trade deal? They were killing us. Now I beat China all the time, every time. I think nobody knows more about China than I do, maybe even in the history of the world. You'd have to go back all the way to Marco Piano. Even Genghis Khan couldn't give China as much hell as I do because, I mean, he invaded, and then he just got bored. But I have like these record levels of wins over China.

My IQ is one of the highest. I went to all the best schools and met most of the best people. Dorks like Chomsky can make fun of me all they like, because they never got to be President. No one would vote for him because he's boring. When was the last time you saw Chomsky with a hot model like my daughter? He spends all his time in books, so he doesn't know how to kick ass. Don't get me wrong, I love intelligence. Nobody has better respect for intelligence than Donald Trump. I'm like this connoisseur of intelligence. My IQ level is so high, and science has proven this correct, that no standard test can even begin to understand how my brain works.

I'm the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody's ever been more successful than me. I'm the most successful person ever to run. Ross Perot isn't successful like me, and he's got this really un-American name. Romney? I have a diamond-studded leather thong that's worth more than Romney. I look very much forward to showing you my financials, because they are huge. Show me someone with no ego and I'll show you a big loser. Really smart people like the Dalai Lama would agree.

What can I say about my rivals? Hillary Clinton is an extremely unattractive woman, with a face like a Who's Who of wrinkles, yet I refuse to say this to anyone, because I always insist on being politically correct. John McCain is not a war hero. I mean, he is a war hero. But he's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured. I like people who stayed out of enemy hands and then descended on their villages at night and killed thousands of Vietnamese. I love that strong militant blood. Great stuff!

People worry about global warming and I say relax. Global warming was a myth invented by the ancient Greeks to cover up the fact that they lost Atlantis. Plus we have alternative energy now, and that's working fine. Trust me, I know more about renewables than any human being on Earth. Just ask my plastic surgeon and the guy who mends my toupee.

Voting Trump is a choice between right and wrong, intelligence and stupidity. This is about whether we fulfil our sacred duty to the American citizens we serve, by building trillion-dollar walls to keep out tribal savages and hoping to Moses they don't have ladders. When I took the oath of office, I swore to protect our country and that is what I will always do. So help me God! I mean, so help me God.

Thank you, good night and God bless America - statistically speaking still the greatest country in the history of this fine planet.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
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Truant
[~FoS~]
14-04-2019 03:43



He's got my vote again!
[1] 04:47 spidey101[D2A]: chris doesnt like me.

"What's up dog, I killed you." - Kenny Powers MFCEO

0/61 The Captain Keelhail struck at Truant and did 69 damage.
Dragosani
[Wino]
14-04-2019 04:29


We get it, you're liberal.
Vampyre
[*TF*]
14-04-2019 08:47



lol XD
"He who does not fear the sword he holds is not worthy of holding a sword." ~Hisagi Shuhei -Bleach

"My taste in music is your face" - TøP
MrZee
[fame]
14-04-2019 17:00



everything about President Trump is great.
[2]02:19 Vonstuker[~FoS~]: you'll make a fine cabin boy, Billy
pipster
[TLO]
14-04-2019 20:19


The true irony of this post is you copied it from social media. Which was most likely written by the evil russians!!! Better call meuller I hear he needs a new witch to hunt.

Good luck with hating..

#walkaway
Karisade
[TSoH]
14-04-2019 23:14



pipster - Some of the lines are taken directly from Trump's speeches, some I tweaked and some I wrote myself. I've already put it out there on social media, so you may well have encountered it there, but the authorship is mine. Rather than hatred, my motive for writing was amusement at some of the President's boasts and the fact that his sentences often meander into interesting territory.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
pipster
[TLO]
15-04-2019 00:06


"Rather than hatred"

Oh please, there is nothing amusing about you twisting things out of context and strait up lying.

Your not even an American so why hate? Guess we need meuller to investigate the Brits next...

I guess my last post went right over your head..and that one was factual.

Btw when the heck was posts like this allowed???
Karisade
[TSoH]
15-04-2019 01:11



pipster - Sounds to me like you could use a short nap. If you're that sensitive to political humour, maybe just avoid these threads?

John Cleese quite liked my Trump impression, so that's good enough for me:

https://twitter.com/JohnCleese/status/1112462260931305473
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
pipster
[TLO]
15-04-2019 03:29


Oh so now you are going to attack me? "Short nap" aka knocked out??

See how easy it is to take thing out of context? nothing is funny over slander and lies. That was how the whole "Russian collusion" started.

Anyways with all the dumb things you have said/done in world/forums, are you really the one to be mocking people?

I just love how tolerant libs hate so much.. right?
king1104
[CFH]
15-04-2019 04:32



Who is John Cleese?
May God have mercy on my enemies, for I shall not.
Karisade
[TSoH]
15-04-2019 17:36



I can see that nap didn't do you much good pip...

You seem angry, hateful and paranoid, all due to a harmless bit of humour. I can't remember having written anything dumb, though I'm sure you'd be happy to interpret it so.

If you don't like what I write, simply don't read it *shrugs*
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
Raj
[Corps]
15-04-2019 17:50


Ab ki baar trump sarkaar
Twitxhy
[*TF*]
15-04-2019 18:52



Geeked at all the trump supporters on here who know this is making fun of trump but are too dumb to read a whole paragraph so they can't say why it's bad.
[2]02:15 (Mod)Moderator: Twitchiwhatchamicallit!

piranhattack has declined Cooked Piranha for you at Kinam

Smithing level: 98 (9999999 exp, 1 for next level)
pipster
[TLO]
15-04-2019 18:56


ok lets be clear here you are not american, and nothing trump does has any effect on you. what i find funny is your hypocrisy you say "If you don't like what I write, simply don't read it *shrugs*"

so you don't like what trump says but you follow his every words and waste how many days, hours, on it? look at your post! dude you are obsessed with "something you do not like" that is what amazes me about people like you.

then we have this gem "You seem angry, hateful and paranoid," go reread you post. this sums you up in one line. you must be angry he was elected even though you have zero say into it. you are so hateful over it to the point you hang on his every words. lets be real here. who wastes their time to write so much nonsense and then bothers to spread it? that is the work of a paranoid person. look in the mirror brother!

"I can see that nap didn't do you much good pip..."

dude a nap won't help you, maybe a trip the see a psychologist? i hear it is free in england, maybe you can ask them if they have a pill for your trump derangement syndrome???

how about this, instead of mocking the person you simply ask what good things has he done? or maybe why is he so popular? or how about this, stop acting like you have a clue when you have never even been to usa! nor acting like all of the things he addresses are not areas of concern for Americans?

naw you won't like what you find out because you are a "angry, hateful and paranoid" person..
Karisade
[TSoH]
15-04-2019 18:58



I actually *do* like what Trump says, as it gives me plenty of comedy material!

I didn't really like either Clinton or Trump, so wasn't really bothered about who got into The White House.

Like I said, if you don't like what I write - just don't read it.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
Raj
[Corps]
15-04-2019 19:04


I'm neither a Trump supporter nor a Trump hater. it just depends on which side of the coin you wanna looks at the positive actions of his administration or the negatives. Also im not an American but the decisions he will make will have a effect on the different parts of the world. Just depends which country you live in....
pipster
[TLO]
15-04-2019 19:37


"I didn't really like either Clinton or Trump, so wasn't really bothered about who got into The White House."

so says the person who wasted just how much of their time hanging on his words? once again i will point out you can't vote for either of them so other peoples decisions should be zero concern to you. i suppose that logic went right over your head?

"as it gives me plenty of comedy material" what is really funny is how it has such a "HUGE" (pun intended) impact on you. this is the real comedy. you claim to not be "bothered" but as shown you are, the hypocritical nature of "open minded liberals" like you show you are not open minded but rather closed and hateful...

"Like I said, if you don't like what I write" back to square one i see? if you don't like what he says, and are not "bothered by it" why obsess?

RAJ you state "the decisions he will make will have a effect on the different parts of the world." since there is no part of the world that does not have a government that dictates what policies they will follow, what he does never has a impact. it is always the government in power directly over you. he can give them input just like anyone else can, but they will ultimately decide what is "best" (i use this term lightly) for the people under their control.
Karisade
[TSoH]
15-04-2019 20:26



Wow, some people really can't take a joke! xD
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
pipster
[TLO]
15-04-2019 21:33


"some people really can't take a joke!"

so everything i pointed out is true, so who or what is the joke?? think about it!
Redwingz
[~FoS~]
15-04-2019 23:42



I think the real joke is that this was actually a forum post.
60 Critical hit: You struck and dealt 60 damage to the Grey bat.
Dragosani
[Wino]
16-04-2019 00:33


My favorite part is how he threw shade at all the United States by saying they descended on their villages at night and killed thousands of Vietnamese. But still insists that was part of his joke
Karisade
[TSoH]
16-04-2019 00:52



Not all the United States were involved in Black Ops, Dragosani.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
Arioch
[Corps]
16-04-2019 03:47



I think AOC would have given far greater material.
Chuck Norris killed schrodinger's cat.

[1] 15:07 Shinobi[-TL-]: Well aren't you just the spawn of Stan >.>
Karisade
[TSoH]
16-04-2019 05:40



I'll do Cortez if 10 people ask me.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
- Groucho Marx
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